The best psychologist in Orange County? How to find yours

If you’re searching for “The best psychologist in Orange County”, this is a ‘how to’ guide for things to consider in finding the best help for what you need.  I must confess that I’m guilty of it too: doing an internet search for “the best (fill in the blank)” for anything from toasters to motor oil. What comes back is often a list of commercially sponsored web sites, posing as unbiased reviews, trying to get you to buy their products or service. It’s just plain difficult to get the information you need to make your own clear choice about what will actually fit with what YOU need. When it comes to getting help for personal and relational issues, I will occasionally get people in my office who tell me “I tried therapy before, but it didn’t work.” When I find out more about their prior experience getting help for themselves, there is often a fundamental mismatch that doomed the situation from the start. I’m glad they persisted and tried again, but I can’t help but wonder how many others never tried again and continue to struggle on in life alone with their issues.  So, if you are reading this post my most sincere hope is that it will leave you better equipped to pick “The best psychologist in Orange County”, or for that matter, a marriage and family therapist, licensed clinical social worker, life coach, psychiatrist or pastoral counselor because they are the right “helper” for you and your situations. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/01/09/the-best-psychologist-in-orange-county/

Dump the canoe: Conflict is the key to closeness

Many years ago I stumbled upon a truth that I have come to rely upon when working with couples in marriage counseling today in Orange County, CA. Back then I worked as a camp counselor in Texas. With an interest in dating the other counselors at the camp, I developed a quick way to determine which ones I wanted to spend more time with by starting a practice called “dumping the canoe.” I would take a prospect out on a canoe ride and at some point tip the canoe. What I was looking for was someone who would be upset, but be willing to talk, work through it and then be able to happily continue together sopping wet.

You see, without conflict, there is NO possibility of building trust and closeness in a relationship. You just don’t know what kind of a partner you have until there are problems, or differences in wants and needs. Only then do you find out if you have a partner who is willing to stay engaged, negotiate fairly and be willing to truly forgive. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/02/dump-canoe-conflict-key-closeness-keyword-marriage-counseling-orange-county-ca/

Tools for Communication

One of the most frequent requests I get from couples coming in to marriage counseling is “tools for communication”. So, here are some guidelines that help in communication. Whether you’re having troubles in your couples’ relationship, work or friendships; whether you live here in Orange County or on the other side of the planet, these fundamentals for communication will help.  The basic idea is to slow down and simplify the process of communicating by making one person the “speaker” on a topic and the other an “active listener.” Be assured the first listener with have their turn for equal air time to speak for themselves on that same topic (no topic changes please). That really does give you the best chance at succeeding in understanding one another. Often couples find they aren’t even talking about the same issue when they take the time to really listen. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/10/tools-for-communication/

How to make changes last

So how is that New Year’s resolution going for you? Time sure flies and here we are already heading into a beautiful Spring here in Orange County. By this time, less that 10% will be continuing on with their New Year’s resolutions. My friend who manages a gym says that it is a consistent fact that only about 18% of the memberships sold actually get used. As a therapist, most of my clients come in with some kind picture of how they would like to be, but struggle with getting there and staying there. I sometimes find myself struggling with change too. Whether you made a New Year’s resolution or simply wonder why your best intentions often lead to a lack of results, here is a checklist to equip yourself for a change or changes that will last in all areas of your life.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/10/make-changes-last-orange-county-therapist-keyword/

Can you hear me now? Going beyond tools for communication

There’s a commercial for a phone company promoting their network coverage. A character wanders off into distant places talking on his cell phone asking, “Can you hear me now?” I recently wrote a guide on tools for communication that I use as a therapist to help couples hear each other. However, what I see often with my Orange County clients is a struggle for individuals and couples to actually use those tools consistently when in conflict: something gets in the way. Having also worked in private practice in Los Angeles and New York, I can assure you the struggle is not unique to this area.

When a person is feeling too much stress, they go into survival mode. They will fight, freeze or run in an attempt to calm down and feel safe again. They will do or say ANYTHING at that moment that they imagine will stop the stress, even if it is destructive. Better communication or relationship is not even a possibility at that point and here is why. The problem is biology. Picture your brain structure as first being a central core with more automatic regulatory brain functions like breathing, body temperature, mood etc.. Wrapping around this center is a separate layer that deals mostly with higher functioning thoughts, memories, abstract reasoning. When overly stressed or threatened, a person operates primarily from the automatic regulatory part of the brain and is disconnected from higher level functioning and the reasoning. In other words, when overly stressed, all that great stuff you know and have learned from your therapist or read about in my Communication tools blog are disconnected and not available for you to use. So what then?

So the key to all communication is keeping stress to a tolerable level for both of you. Change and communication will always involve some stress because it is new and a vulnerability. Stress in unavoidable, but in reality people do their very best when they experience just enough stress to motivate and focus. Beyond this motivating level of stress, a person becomes “flooded” and shifts into survival mode. To help you and the other person to stay in this “sweet spot” for communication, here are some tips keep in mind. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/19/can-hear-now-going-beyond-tools-communication/