Marriage Falling Apart? Signs That You Need Couples Counseling

Couples, especially those in the midst of the lovey-dovey phase, tend to believe that marriage is an endless parade of happy days. But anyone who has been married long enough knows that staying committed is a lot of work. In fact, there are days when you simply cannot stand your spouse, and everything he or she does just ticks you off. “Is it really that hard to place your mug in the sink?,” you may have each said at one point. Of course, ups and downs are normal in any marriage. It’s just what happens when two people with different beliefs, backgrounds, and personalities co-habitate. There are times, however, that fights becomes a little bit too much. When any of the scenarios listed below happen to you, it may be time to seek couples counseling in Orange County: You’ve Stopped Talking Altogether Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, so when you and your spouse stop talking, you have a serious problem.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/05/30/marriage-falling-apart-signs-need-couples-counseling/

Marriage Counseling Tips: Ways on Dealing with a Workaholic Spouse

These days, the 40-hour work week seems more and more like something from the distant past. Today, the average American puts in 47 hours of work each week, and many industries require their employees to work 12-hour days, including weekends. While many people prefer a work-life balance, some people are an exception. Workaholic employees, for example, are not only willing, but are more than happy to work grueling hours in the office. If you’re married to such a person, then you know the struggle of dealing with an “absentee” spouse. You’ve probably already lost count of the number of times your husband or wife failed to show up for a recital, game, birthday, and other important events in your family’s life. As an Orange County marriage counselor, I see this struggle often as couples attempt to keep up in an increasingly competitive market. But being competitive is different than an endless pursuit of “just a little bit more” that is the mantra of a workaholic.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/05/26/marriage-counseling-tips-ways-dealing-workaholic-spouse/

A Psychologist Takes a Deeper Look on the Hidden Signs of Depression

When you hear the word “depression,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? For many, the word conjures images of people holed up in their room, so distraught that they can barely function in their day-to-day life. While depression can certainly look like this, did you know that many people are depressed without even knowing it? In fact, you may be depressed right at this very moment. Here are some of the symptoms that may mean that you need to see a reputable psychologist in Orange County. You’re Not Happy...or Unhappy You’re not jumping for joy, but you’re not sobbing uncontrollably either. You’re just...okay. If you find yourself in this weird gray zone, you may be turning off all your emotions in an attempt to block out unhappiness.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/05/23/psychologist-takes-deeper-look-hidden-signs-depression/

Are You a Perennial Procrastinator? Learn How a Therapist Can Help

You graduated as valedictorian of your class. You’ve aced every job interview, and now, you’re at a cushy job with great benefits. Even better, you deliver solid work, and your boss seems to be especially happy with your performance. Life should be fine and dandy, right? Only it’s not. Whether you’re finishing a report for your boss or preparing for a vacation, you seem to be always scrambling at the last minute just to get things done. You know you should have started days, if not weeks ago, but you simply couldn’t bring yourself to just do the work. Procrastination as a Symptom At the heart of all procrastination is perfectionism. You have such high standards that you fear not being able to deliver to the best of your abilities. As a result, you put off doing tasks--even critical--ones to avoid disappointing yourself and others.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/05/20/perennial-procrastinator-learn-therapist-can-help/

Couples Therapy—Three Mistakes Couples Should Avoid During a Conflict

A fight can trigger partners to do and say things they’ll regret later. It’s easy to see from the outside of a conflict that hurting each others through words and action wont help fix the problem. In fact, it only puts more strain on the relationship. Conflict is so much a natural part of any relationship that battles over the thermostat settings and number of blankets on the bed have become cliché and stereotyped.  Most couples disagree in these areas and so many more, simply because they are not identical people.  Obvious, right?  But regardless of the number of differences, or whether they will ever change, it’s what you and your partner do with conflicts as a couple that will determine your satisfaction as a couple.

https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/04/15/couples-therapy-three-mistakes-couples-avoid-conflict/

How a Marriage Counselor Can Turn Infidelity into Opportunity

It’s difficult to find a person whos life has not been impacted by infidelity, whether they know it or not.  Most often, affairs are eventually discovered and become a source of a lot of fighting, sadness and gossip.  Not only does the couple wrestle with the betrayal, but family and friends also struggle to understand what happened and how to move forward.  It’s easy to blame and point a finger at the offender to try and make sense of it all and move on quickly.  Make one person “good” and the other “bad.”  After all, if the offender is “bad,” then they just need to behave better or else a person can feel justified in divorcing.  In reality, the truth is often much deeper and involved.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/04/20/marriage-counselor-can-turn-infidelity-opportunity/

An Orange County Psychologist’s Guide to Taming Your Inner Critic

So what does your inner critic sound like?  Angry? Judgmental? Afraid? Does it make you feel doubtful, guilty, or ashamed of yourself? Does it shake your confidence so much you hesitate to pursue your dreams? If yes, then it’s time to learn how to take a stand against your own inner critic and quiet that noise in your head.

It’s natural to notice and compare to others and, realistically, you’re not going to be the same or even as good in some areas.  As an Orange County psychologist, I see many of my clients trying to “Keep up with the Joneses,” and it’s just not possible with the level of success it takes to live here.  Someone is always going to be doing better, but that’s not the problem.  Things start to spiral downward when you start to berate or criticize yourself and this can quickly begin to affect your life.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/04/25/orange-county-psychologists-guide-taming-inner-critic/

Overcome Your Social Media Insecurity with the Help of a Therapist

With social media, people can now easily share moments of their lives with the rest of the world with just a few clicks. Social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and SnapChat can be a way for individuals to stay connected and expand their network of friends. You can let everyone know all about your hidden talents, share your inspirational thoughts, and post pictures of the amazing breakfast you’re eating.

The only problem with this, besides the pictures of breakfast, comes from comparing your self and your life to the millions of others out there. In reality,you are comparing the “highlight reel” of a person’s life on social media to all the average parts of your daily life. Sure they made that amazing backflip on their bike or are enjoying a thrilling time on a dream vacation in Tahiti, but they crashed their bike 40 times before making the trick work and saved 10 years to take the vacation you think you should be able to afford now.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/04/27/overcome-your-social-media-insecurity-with-the-help-of-a-therapist/

The best psychologist in Orange County? How to find yours

If you’re searching for “The best psychologist in Orange County”, this is a ‘how to’ guide for things to consider in finding the best help for what you need.  I must confess that I’m guilty of it too: doing an internet search for “the best (fill in the blank)” for anything from toasters to motor oil. What comes back is often a list of commercially sponsored web sites, posing as unbiased reviews, trying to get you to buy their products or service. It’s just plain difficult to get the information you need to make your own clear choice about what will actually fit with what YOU need. When it comes to getting help for personal and relational issues, I will occasionally get people in my office who tell me “I tried therapy before, but it didn’t work.” When I find out more about their prior experience getting help for themselves, there is often a fundamental mismatch that doomed the situation from the start. I’m glad they persisted and tried again, but I can’t help but wonder how many others never tried again and continue to struggle on in life alone with their issues.  So, if you are reading this post my most sincere hope is that it will leave you better equipped to pick “The best psychologist in Orange County”, or for that matter, a marriage and family therapist, licensed clinical social worker, life coach, psychiatrist or pastoral counselor because they are the right “helper” for you and your situations. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/01/09/the-best-psychologist-in-orange-county/

Dump the canoe: Conflict is the key to closeness

Many years ago I stumbled upon a truth that I have come to rely upon when working with couples in marriage counseling today in Orange County, CA. Back then I worked as a camp counselor in Texas. With an interest in dating the other counselors at the camp, I developed a quick way to determine which ones I wanted to spend more time with by starting a practice called “dumping the canoe.” I would take a prospect out on a canoe ride and at some point tip the canoe. What I was looking for was someone who would be upset, but be willing to talk, work through it and then be able to happily continue together sopping wet.

You see, without conflict, there is NO possibility of building trust and closeness in a relationship. You just don’t know what kind of a partner you have until there are problems, or differences in wants and needs. Only then do you find out if you have a partner who is willing to stay engaged, negotiate fairly and be willing to truly forgive. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/02/dump-canoe-conflict-key-closeness-keyword-marriage-counseling-orange-county-ca/

Tools for Communication

One of the most frequent requests I get from couples coming in to marriage counseling is “tools for communication”. So, here are some guidelines that help in communication. Whether you’re having troubles in your couples’ relationship, work or friendships; whether you live here in Orange County or on the other side of the planet, these fundamentals for communication will help.  The basic idea is to slow down and simplify the process of communicating by making one person the “speaker” on a topic and the other an “active listener.” Be assured the first listener with have their turn for equal air time to speak for themselves on that same topic (no topic changes please). That really does give you the best chance at succeeding in understanding one another. Often couples find they aren’t even talking about the same issue when they take the time to really listen. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/10/tools-for-communication/

How to make changes last

So how is that New Year’s resolution going for you? Time sure flies and here we are already heading into a beautiful Spring here in Orange County. By this time, less that 10% will be continuing on with their New Year’s resolutions. My friend who manages a gym says that it is a consistent fact that only about 18% of the memberships sold actually get used. As a therapist, most of my clients come in with some kind picture of how they would like to be, but struggle with getting there and staying there. I sometimes find myself struggling with change too. Whether you made a New Year’s resolution or simply wonder why your best intentions often lead to a lack of results, here is a checklist to equip yourself for a change or changes that will last in all areas of your life.
https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/10/make-changes-last-orange-county-therapist-keyword/

Can you hear me now? Going beyond tools for communication

There’s a commercial for a phone company promoting their network coverage. A character wanders off into distant places talking on his cell phone asking, “Can you hear me now?” I recently wrote a guide on tools for communication that I use as a therapist to help couples hear each other. However, what I see often with my Orange County clients is a struggle for individuals and couples to actually use those tools consistently when in conflict: something gets in the way. Having also worked in private practice in Los Angeles and New York, I can assure you the struggle is not unique to this area.

When a person is feeling too much stress, they go into survival mode. They will fight, freeze or run in an attempt to calm down and feel safe again. They will do or say ANYTHING at that moment that they imagine will stop the stress, even if it is destructive. Better communication or relationship is not even a possibility at that point and here is why. The problem is biology. Picture your brain structure as first being a central core with more automatic regulatory brain functions like breathing, body temperature, mood etc.. Wrapping around this center is a separate layer that deals mostly with higher functioning thoughts, memories, abstract reasoning. When overly stressed or threatened, a person operates primarily from the automatic regulatory part of the brain and is disconnected from higher level functioning and the reasoning. In other words, when overly stressed, all that great stuff you know and have learned from your therapist or read about in my Communication tools blog are disconnected and not available for you to use. So what then?

So the key to all communication is keeping stress to a tolerable level for both of you. Change and communication will always involve some stress because it is new and a vulnerability. Stress in unavoidable, but in reality people do their very best when they experience just enough stress to motivate and focus. Beyond this motivating level of stress, a person becomes “flooded” and shifts into survival mode. To help you and the other person to stay in this “sweet spot” for communication, here are some tips keep in mind. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/19/can-hear-now-going-beyond-tools-communication/