Can you hear me now? Going beyond tools for communication

There’s a commercial for a phone company promoting their network coverage. A character wanders off into distant places talking on his cell phone asking, “Can you hear me now?” I recently wrote a guide on tools for communication that I use as a therapist to help couples hear each other. However, what I see often with my Orange County clients is a struggle for individuals and couples to actually use those tools consistently when in conflict: something gets in the way. Having also worked in private practice in Los Angeles and New York, I can assure you the struggle is not unique to this area.

When a person is feeling too much stress, they go into survival mode. They will fight, freeze or run in an attempt to calm down and feel safe again. They will do or say ANYTHING at that moment that they imagine will stop the stress, even if it is destructive. Better communication or relationship is not even a possibility at that point and here is why. The problem is biology. Picture your brain structure as first being a central core with more automatic regulatory brain functions like breathing, body temperature, mood etc.. Wrapping around this center is a separate layer that deals mostly with higher functioning thoughts, memories, abstract reasoning. When overly stressed or threatened, a person operates primarily from the automatic regulatory part of the brain and is disconnected from higher level functioning and the reasoning. In other words, when overly stressed, all that great stuff you know and have learned from your therapist or read about in my Communication tools blog are disconnected and not available for you to use. So what then?

So the key to all communication is keeping stress to a tolerable level for both of you. Change and communication will always involve some stress because it is new and a vulnerability. Stress in unavoidable, but in reality people do their very best when they experience just enough stress to motivate and focus. Beyond this motivating level of stress, a person becomes “flooded” and shifts into survival mode. To help you and the other person to stay in this “sweet spot” for communication, here are some tips keep in mind. https://therelationfoundation.com/2016/03/19/can-hear-now-going-beyond-tools-communication/